Written by Christine Kane
It was the last day of the Great Big Dreams retreat. We were sitting in a circle. I was talking about decisions and commitment.
We had spent many hours over our three days together getting clear about intention. I said that in my experience, intention begins the movement and the shift. But at some point you have to ground your intention with decisions and commitment and action.
Jeannie, a vibrant woman with wild curly hair and a constant smile, looked up and said, “But wait…”
She began listing all the reasons why it was so hard for her to make decisions or to commit. Suddenly, she sighed. She concluded by saying, “Oh, forget it. It’s hard when you’re a people-pleaser.”
There were “amen’s” all around. Many of the women nodded their agreement. They knew the pain of being a people-pleaser.
I interrupted the moment of martyrdom.
I asked Jeannie: “Are we really people-pleasers? Or just approval whores?”
It was one of those moments where I briefly wanted to take back what I had blurted out. Jeannie could be livid with me. Or she could have a great big “Ah-Ha!” moment. (My own approval whore doesn’t like these blurts one bit. “Be nice!” she says. “Just agree with them and shut up!”)
Jeannie’s giant burst of laughter told me it was the latter. “Oh my God!” she shrieked. “That’s so true!”
Often, we think that we’re being nice girls and oh-so loving when we’re constantly making sure everyone else is okay.
But what we’re really doing is selling our hearts to get approval from anyone who will give it to us. We’re ensuring that we will never have to face the discomfort of having desires or dreams (or preferences!) and acting on them. We want to make sure everyone will like us first. Then we will be okay, albeit deeply unhappy.
Martha Beck aptly names it “being an approval whore.”
All weekend long, people said things like, “Well, you can’t just stop being her friend!”
“You can’t just not move your father-in-laws’ furniture!”
“You can’t just uninvite your family over for Thanksgiving!”
Well.
Actually.
You can.
You just can’t always do this AND have everyone like you at the same time.
And this is the catch for an approval whore. It makes her panic. Who am I without their love and approval?
It’s a question SO worth asking. And SO worth finding out the answer to.
In Martha Beck’s words:
Anything we do solely to please others, in the absence of either real desire or moral necessity is a way of selling ourselves, our lives, our energy. Ask yourself whether the dose of approval you expect to gain from this behavior is worth losing a piece of the real you. I’d be the last one to judge you if the answer is yes. All I ask is that you be aware that this is prostitution, not virtue.
Christine Kane is the Mentor to Women Who are Changing the World. She helps women uplevel their lives, their businesses and their success. Her weekly LiveCreative eZine goes out to over 12,000 subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can sign up for a F.R.E.E. subscription at http://christinekane.com.
